NEWS DESK 5th SEPTEMBER 2000 - MICHAEL WALSH

AND THEY CALL US THE LUNATIC FRINGE?

MO MOWLAM, MP CABINET MINISTER. Paraded as England’s ‘most popular Government Minister’ Mo Mowlam is on record as admitting to using illegal drugs. Her filthy language and ‘jokes’ would who make a trooper blush. She is not averse to making ‘jokes’ about clitorises and toilet pans (men miss both!) on family prime time television.

As Secretary of State for Northern Ireland she was pivotal in surrendering British sovereignty to Republican violence and intimidation and she presided over the release of hundreds of murderous gangsters across the sectarian divide.

When she lost this job she was given the task of looking after ‘GM foods, the drug culture (you got to believe it) and rural affairs’. There was speculation that her brain tumour left her unfit for her role. The evidence suggests that her detractors just might have a point.

Her husband is socialist merchant banker Jon Norton. Look at his job title again and ask yourself, can you think of a better contradiction than that of socialist merchant banker? How about a policeman-burglar or a veggie-butcher?

The same Jon Norton paints and sells abstract paintings. He daubs only at night, sitting in the nude while listening to rock music. Since he lost his job – there’s not much call for socialist merchant bankers – her husband, five years younger than she is, is quite happy being a house-husband, cooking, cleaning up, that sort of thing.

Her father, a post office worker was such an alcoholic the youthful and embarrassed Mo couldn’t bring her friends home. Bit of a cheek really. His daughter wearing hot pants at her graduation ceremony and sucking reefers might have equally embarrassed the old inebriate. Who wouldn’t be driven to drink with a daughter like Mo?

Edward Heathcoat Amory writing in the Daily Mail (5.9.00) says: ‘Mo’s enormous popularity with the people of Britain has never been in doubt." Yet in a poll (ITV 5.9.00) only 50% gave a damn as to her resignation announcement. That is popularity? Adolf Hitler got 99.75% in free elections. Now that is what I call popularity.

 

IAN BLAIR, DEPUTY COMMISSIONER METROPOLITAN POLICE

Described as Prime Minister Tony Blair’s favourite policeman because of his being politically ‘on message’ (thought policemen were supposed to be non-political?) is having quite a week, poor sod!

His boss (John Stevens not Tony Blair) is on holiday leaving the Prime Minister’s favourite policeman to explain the rampant lawlessness surrounding events at London’s Notting Hill Caribbean ‘carnival’.

Despite Police assurances that it was the most peaceful yet the carnival resulted in 660 casualties of which 108 were treated as hospital casualties. There were two gratuitous murders and 28 stabbings. Paddington’s St Mary’s Hospital Accident & Emergency department reported a 28% increase in admissions.

You think it couldn’t get worse for the Deputy Commissioner? He simultaneously has to give evidence in the case of another Deputy Chief Constable in court charged with sexually and violently attacking female (at least they were female) members of his staff.

It was said in court that Deputy Chief Constable Ian Beckett, 54, of Surrey Constabulary put his hand up a colleague’s skirt and knickers while wishing her a happy Christmas. On another occasion, another female colleague’s wrists were grasped while he was said to have groped her under her skirt.

 

THE DUKE OF GLOUCESTER has been sent by the Foreign Office to Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan (wonder what my spell checker makes of them?) to promote British interests! We could them a navy perhaps – if we hadn’t sunk our own?

PETER TATCHELL the queer lobbyist has named October 7^th as ‘National Coming Out Day’. For the big occasion this ugly little freak of nature hopes to encourage at least several MPs, two or three bishops and two senior High Court judges to ‘out’ themselves. We all look forward to the 7^th for it should be an interesting outing!

MICHAEL HESELTINE, another near-miss Prime Minister has revealed that he likes talking to trees on his estate. He told one tree that unless it tidied itself up it would be replaced. "There is a nice hummock of flowers here now." He added ruefully.

What would have happened had the English people declined to tidy themselves up at his bequest? Replaced by a nice hummock of immigrants no doubt!

LABOUR AND TORY EURPEAN ELECTIONS. "The voting system adopted for the European elections in 1999, for instance, was a party list system which would have done credit to the rule book of the old Bulgarian Communist Party." Martin Bell, MP, England’s only independent Member of Parliament.

PARLIAMENT (MOTHER OF ALL). "As Prime Minister’s Question Time developed it seemed to me, and to others, not so much a showpiece of democracy as a disgrace to it.

"Whenever I heard the phrase ‘May I congratulate my Right Honourable friend’, I would lower my head into my hands, dreading the inevitable sludge of sycophancy. These ‘greasers’ questions were too much even for some cabinet colleagues. Clare Short, cabinet Minister said the questions often made her cringe."

"The House of Commons resembles not so much the free parliament of a free people as a ventriloquist’s palace of varieties." Martin Bell, MP. England’s only independent Member of Parliament.

REGIONAL DEMOCRACY "The stitch up of Livingstone in his contest against Tony Blair’s choice Frank Dobson was a contempt of democracy of a crudity not even attempted in North Korea. Only in the Peoples Republic of the Labour Party could the loser receive 55,000 more votes than the winner." Martin Bell, MP, England’s only independent Member of Parliament.

DETECTIVE INSPECTOR MARTIN WRIGHT. "There’s a lot of prejudice against burglars." The Detective Inspector might be interested to know that there is a lot of prejudice against paedophiles, rapists, abusers of democracy, and half-witted lobotomised buzzies too. Talk about the law being an ass!

DEVON AND CORNWALL POLICE has instructed its officers to "give priority to black victims of crime." Police candidates sitting their exams are advised to ‘distinguish between white victims and those from ethnic minorities’ when responding to calls for assistance. If two identical crimes are reported the black victim should be given precedence." Daily Mail, 26^th August 2000.

NORMAN LAMONT. "At moments like this I feel a deep sense of shame that this should be happening in Britain." The former Cabinet Minister was commenting on the judicial proceedings surrounding the Labour Government’s kidnapping of Chile’s revered statesmen, General August Pinochet.