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NEWS DESK MICHAEL WALSH, 7th March 2001
MAD PEOPLE DISEASE SWEEPS BRITAIN
EXCLUSIVE - A spokesman for the Ministry of Monitoring Madness (MMM) has conceded that Mad People Disease is now established throughout Britain. In a grimly worded statement the mental health watchdog revealed that ‘the infection has continued its relentless surge across Britain amid fears it could be carried in the very air we breathe or even by belfry-bats.’ It warned that no part of the United Kingdom could be complacent.
Last night the Ministry of Monitoring Madness said there had been 6 million confirmed outbreaks throughout England, Scotland, Wales and even Northern Ireland. There the Irish Government had set up armed foot patrols to prevent Mad Peoples Disease spreading to the Republic. It has also disinfected all border crossings.
New cases have been identified in most cities, particularly London where it is now out of control. ‘We can’t even contain it there,’ the MMM admitted. ‘All we can do is limit its means to reproduce in other parts of the country.’
LEAVING NOTHING TO CHANCE
The virus was known to be prevalent in local authority buildings, schools, police stations and especially courts of law. Herds of civil servants have already been isolated and confined. ‘We are leaving nothing to chance’ the Ministry spokesman stated. ‘Teachers and those working in the media industry have also been isolated as they were considered to be main carriers of this deadly virus’.
Asked if there was any possibility of the afflicted being culled a Mad People Disease consultant said that such a drastic step couldn’t be dismissed out of hand but added that we mustn’t be seen to be acting ‘on the hoof’.
It was also disclosed that the virus was at its most noxious when discovered in books, newspapers, and magazines and was especially attracted to television screens. ‘How do you burn all those?’
CULLING NOT THE ANSWER
‘Culling is not the answer.’ the spokesman said expressing himself quietly. ‘We have to keep our nerve and approach it sensibly. Given time and the macabre evidence of its dreadful consequences people will eventually take the necessary measures to restore sanity.
‘It is going to have an effect.’ He told the hushed audience. ‘Communities will fall victim to political correctness, an HIV form of Mad Peoples Disease and be weakened by it. The myxomatosis disease similarly threatened the rabbit population and the landscape was changed. But it recovered after the bunnies developed resistant antibodies. All we need do is get the rabbit-habit,’ he added with a horse laugh. (The audience were not amused).
Mad People Disease may cut a swathe through the population as it succumbs to its effects but chances are those survivors who have developed immunity will learn from the tragedy.
ANTIDOTE HAS BEEN DISCOVERED
He reminded the gathered press corps that Government scientists have so far found no evidence of infection in people or organisations immunised by nature or rigorous self-cleansing against political correctness or its side effects. This offers hope.
‘For reason we have yet to figure out some people seem to have a natural resistance to Mad People Disease. They have a quite uncanny ability to predict events and the consequences of a wide diversity of social and political experiments. They are even able to mentally detect and separate human traits such as political correctness, insanity, obfuscation and procrastination, denial, deception, hypocrisy, double-standards, treachery, thieving; all kinds of fascinating mammalian conditions.
This is an exciting development for it proves that an antidote can be found. ‘What we need is time’ he said. We have to think this through whilst never underestimating its seriousness.’
Asked by one beefy character how the disease manifested itself he had fewer words of comfort. ‘Irrational behaviour is the most obvious sign but it can show in equally absurd ways.’
Most disquieting, the effects of the virus are not necessarily obvious. An infected person can appear to be normal and then act in a wholly irrational manner.
THE VISIBLE EFFECTS OF THE DISEASE
Recently a highly qualified professor with eighteen-years unblemished service to education lost his career. A panel of people, who in most respects looked perfectly normal, took exception to his calling a person of tropical appearance ‘a nig-nog’. Yet earlier a panel of people who appeared similarly normal sheepishly passed as perfectly acceptable a black comedian’s description of the Queen of England as ‘a bitch’
There were gasps as the spokesman continued: ‘A few days earlier a policeman (of the same Crown) had apprehended and warned a six and seven-year old brother and sister against chalking pictures on the pavement outside their home.
A member of the audience was heard to mutter, ‘The pig!’
The Ministry spokesman interjected: ‘I know he made a bit of an ass of himself but so many are these days; it’s the Mad Peoples Disease you see; you must have sympathy and understanding.’
Another policeman had arrested a woman, in a stationery car, for using her car mirror to touch-up her lipstick. ‘I don’t think people realise but the behaviour of infected persons is truly eerie and can manifest itself anywhere, anytime in any person save those who have immunity. I stress, they appear normal but their rationality has been seriously impaired.
A political correspondent then asked if this vicious virus showed any respect for authority or those higher up the pecking order. (He quickly excused his unfortunate choice of words).
The spokesman’s scientific aide interjected: ‘Frighteningly the answer is no. Its effects are more keenly felt the higher up the establishment the virus reaches. She cited several examples of bizarre, contradictory and even downright fraudulent behavioural patterns displayed by government ministers who in appearance at least seemed quite normal.
‘It is one thing when your local postman for example expresses support for a multi-racial Britain but he is simply dismissed as a harmless eccentric, which we have always valued. However when the Home Secretary, Prime Minister or the head of the BBC expresses the same view the effect can be suicidal . . . . which brings us to:
SUICIDE
As a further example her laser pen highlighted a statement issued by HRH The Prince of Wales. His worthy had telephoned his tenant farmers on his remote Devon estate as he prepared to attend a ceremony at the Swaminarayan Temple in North London.
The heir to the throne described the virus as a ‘desperate blow and a hideous business’. He expressed deep concern at the sense of isolation sufferers must experience adding that some had even considered suicide. He said: ‘People need to talk to each other and help each other through these difficult times.’
There was general agreement among the assembled audience that talking to each other was a particularly wacky response to such a virulent disease currently sweeping the country.
‘So Prince Charles himself could be affected?’ a member of the audience enquired: ‘You tell me?’ The spokesman replied. ‘These are the horns of the dilemma we find ourselves on.’
Some sufferers are in the final and most destructive stages and may be beyond other than God’s help. As an example the Chief Constable who expressed the view that anyone publicly expressing the opinion that some races were different from others would be treated with the same severity as rapists and even murderers. At this point several people in the audience joined heads and whispered among themselves.
HIGHLY RESISTANT TO TREATMENT
The Mad People Disease virus is highly resistant to treatment and has been known to react viciously to antibiotics. The Ministry spokesman told the audience that a number of remedies were being actively pursued.
So far they had tried a National Survival Dissemination Antibody Program (NSDAP) but there had been a strong reaction. Bacillary Unification Force (BUF) had been tried too but it had unfortunate hind effects when the patient broke out in small red sickle-like blotches.
He added that there had been some encouraging progress. ‘We had limited success with anti-Botulin Normal Prescription (BNP) and Infection Hormonal Respite (IHR) treatment. There is also much to hope for as tests continue. Infected volunteers had been wired up to Faradic Current (FC). This administers sporadic jolts of non-lethal current that sometimes kick-starts the intelligence neurons and again the results though slow in coming were highly encouraging. ‘We can only keep on trying.’ The spokesman concluded.
WORLD WITHOUT SPIN - A SPECIAL MICHAEL WALSH EXCLUSIVE