It’s an old but true newspaper report accredited to the Australian Associated Press who published details of an incident that occurred in South Africa: Pretoria, October 14. "A twenty-three year old African woman told the Supreme Court today of the night she saw a ‘baboon’ in the bedroom and struck it with an axe to then find she had killed her husband.

She said she lit a candle to feed her five-month old baby and saw the creature in a crouching position. She called for her husband Willie, but on receiving no reply picked up an axe and hit it on the head many times.

Mr. Justice Theron said that Mrs Baloyi was in the half-awake state many mothers who had to get up at night to feed their babies experienced, and she was therefore liable to take fright at small things. She was acquitted of murder."

I came to England poor and broke,
Go on dole, see Labour bloke,
Fill in forms and stand around,
Kind man gives me hundred pound.
Thank him much and then he say –
Return next week and get more pay.

You come here we make you wealthy,
Doctors too…. Keep you healthy,
Send for friends from Pakistan,
Tell them come as quick as can,
Plenty of us on the dole,
With motor car and big bank roll.
Come with me, we live together –
One thing bad, this bloody weather.

All get nicely settled down,
Find big house in busy town;
Fifteen families living up,
Twice as many living down.
We are paying nice big rent,
More in garden, live in tent.
Soon we send for wife an’ kids,
Labour give us much more quids.

Twelve months later buy a Rolls,
Go to Labour, draw more doles,
Wife gets glasses, teeth and pills,
All are free – we get no bills.
White man pays out all the year –
The race Board tells us, have no fear!

Bless all white men big and small,
For paying taxes, keep us all.
We think England damned good place,
Too damned good for white man’s race.
If they don’t like coloured man,
There’s plenty room in Pakistan.

Winston sidles up to the police station desk and arouses the bored looking desk sergeant. "Hey, man. I come about the job you’re advertising."

"Job! What job?" the desk sergeant sleepily enquiries.

"Yeah, man; the one advertised on the notice board outside. ‘Darkie Wanted for Rape.’"

"Let me say on this great occasion this long awaited day of independence, and freedom for our great and glorious country, I should only like to confirm our unalterable belief …..the value of the democratic principles which ensure freedom of expression for all. In particular the principle of ONE MAN – ONE VOTE! ….. especially since…. I AM THE ONE MAN WITH THE ONE VOTE!"

The National Association for the Advancement of Coloured Peoples (NAACP), the American equivalent to Britain’s Commission for Racial Equality, was rather upset. Research showed that so far 99.9% of NASA’s scientific staff were white and so far not a single coloured spaceman had been selected for space flight.

They approached NASA about this blatant discrimination and the latter, dependent upon government funding, relented and assured the visiting delegation that a black astronaut would be selected for the next scheduled flight.

One such flight was in fact being planned albeit it one that would carry only a chimpanzee for medical experiments. As agreed the selected Negro was led into the space capsule and strapped in, as was the primate beside him. Curiously the monkey faced an impressive panel of instruments whilst an array of tubes and leads were attached to various parts of its anatomy.

The launch was a huge success and as the spacecraft soared through space its excited Negro passenger called up base: "Yipeeeeee, I like it, I like it. What you want me to do now?"

"Just relax, just enjoy the ride and feed and water the monkey every two hours." came the terse reply.

The Jamaican strolled in to the pharmacy and nonchalantly leaning across the counter asked: "You got anything to cure hiccups, man?"

Taking his opportunity the chemist swung back and gave the tropical gentleman a stinging slap across is face that sent him flying.

"Hey, what you do that for?" the dazed and shocked Jamaican yelled.

"You haven’t got the hiccups now have you?" he enquired.

"They weren’t for me they were for my girlfriend." The guy screamed.

Before Zimbabwe was ‘liberated’ from the white man A government minister paid a visit to see at first hand what progress was being made to achieve the rainbow coalition of racial equality. He was immediately struck by what appeared to be a subtle change in white attitudes towards their coloured co-nationals. Typically whilst driving along a bush track they came across a long line of black baggage-bearers, singing and swaying in African traditional style.

Incredibly, instead of taking the lead the white overseer was following up in the wake of the swaying throng.

With tears welling up in his eyes at this unexpected spark of humility the visiting liberal approached the white man and shook him warmly by his hand. "Sir, right up to my last visit it would have been quite usual for you to lead the baggage-handlers. Now they walk ahead of you while you saunter ten yards behind. What has brought on this wonderful transformation of human values?"

The white man’s reply was terse and to the point: "Landmines!"

Deep in the American south the Uncle Tom son of a cotton picker attended a lecture to learn that in all respects the coloured people were now to be considered equals to white folk. Typically, instead of being paid in cash they too would be paid by weekly cheque and could open a bank account.

Upon receiving his cheque he went straight into town, entered the first bank he came to and presented the cheque to the teller.

"Would you mind very much signing it?" The sweet young thing enquired as she slipped it back under the glass.

"You ain’t heard the news you white trash?" he yelled. "I don’t have to do anything you white folks tell me to do no more."

The startled girl replied: "Well I am sorry but if you don’t sign it I can’t cash it." At this point the Negro stormed out threatening to take his business elsewhere.

On presenting the cheque at the next bank he was met with the same ‘sign it or no money response’. This unfortunate teller was similarly abused and told that she could no longer order honest niggers about.

At the third bank he was again invited to sign the cheque so that it could be cashed. The response was as immediate as it was predictable: "You cash that mother-****ing cheque dammit it. I don’t have to do nuthin you white folks say anymore."

At this point the exasperated teller opened the shutter, leaned across, grasped the cotton picker by the back of his head and beat his skull repeatedly on the counter before him. "Now sign that cheque or you get more of the same." he grimaced.

"Okay, Okay! Don’t get mad at me," the Negro yelled. "It’s just that I never had it explained to me that way before."

A man travelling by a compartment train took a seat and was aware of a Negress occupying the seat opposite, holding her baby in her arms. "Good God!" he exclaimed. "That is one very ugly creature you’re holding. I can’t stay in this carriage."

As he stormed out the unfortunate lady burst into tears and was still visibly upset when a ticket collector approached. "My my!" he exclaimed. "What has upset you, my dear?"

Once again the tears flowed as she explained how a man who had since left had just insulted her.

"What a world we live in," he murmured reassuringly. "I’ll just pop along to the bar and fix you a drink – oh, and while I am there I will see if I can get a banana for your monkey."

The coloured comedian was holding his audience together and at one point riposted that if anyone didn’t laugh he would come and live next door to them.

"That’s okay," said someone in a front row. "I live next door to the mortuary."

Dear Doctor. "I am married to a Negro who insists on taking our pet monkey to bed with us at night. What on earth am I going to do about the smell?"

Dear Gloria. "You got used to it, so will the monkey."

Dear Doctor. "I am married to a Negro who isn’t expected to live for very much longer. My dilemma is this: Do I engage coloured pallbearers, white ones; or do I divide the casket carriers equally?"

Dear Gemma. "Engage one white and one black, there’s only two handles on a dustbin."

Dear Doctor. "I have a Rastafarian boyfriend who has called our relationship off for the week. He says he has chapped lips. Is this serious?"

Dear Mary. "There’s only one thing worse than a rasta with chapped lips and that’s a giraffe with a sore throat."

3 Stripes Soldier can read and write

2 Stripes Soldier can either read or write

One stripe Soldier knows someone who can read or write

Kentucky Negro. "Why’s I been arrested, man?"

Cop. "For impersonating a human being, boy."

"Son, when you grow up pick your girls like yer pick your cotton. White!"

First Jewish gentleman. "One of my department stores burned down and I collected $100,000."

Second Jewish gentleman. "I picked up $200,000 when my store was hit by a tornado."

First Jewish gentleman. "How did you organise the tornado, Lou?"

The Housing Inspector visited the multi-occcupancy apartment in Birmingham was surrounded by a multitude of piccaninnies rushing around his feet. He was perturbed to see that the flat appeared to have only the one bed, albeit a double one. "Don’t tell me you all share the one bed?" he exclaimed.

"Oh no," it was explained to him. "When night falls we wet their lips and stick them to the windows."

The Jamaican guy was walking the dog along the canal footpath when a group of white boys approached. One of them paused to comment on how well behaved the duck was. "It ain’t no duck." The Negro exclaimed: "It’s a dog."

"And who was talking to you?" asked the white youth.

A number of foreign delegates were invited to the annual Labour Party conference held at Brighton. To emphasise the Labour Party’s democratic credentials and their belief in free expression each was awarded a period of free rostrum time to speak according to their desires.

The audience remained respectfully silent while the first speaker, an Irishman of republican beliefs called for the removal of all British influence in Ireland. He finished his speech with the arousing call: "Ireland for the Irish." and was met with sustained applause.

The second guest was a man of Jewish race who talked of how Palestinians had the temerity to object to their country being occupied by throwing stones at Jewish-American tanks. "There is only one solution, the final solution; Clear the Arabs out. Re-settle them elsewhere. Israel for the Jews!"

Desperate to show they were not ‘anti-Semitic’ (anti-Zionist) the visiting delegates rose to their feet and rewarded him with applause and encores.

The next speaker was a South African coloured who warmly thanked the Labour Party for helping to turn the tables on his country’s white population. He explained that positive discrimination favouring blacks was putting whites on the dole leading to a white exodus. When he added it was only right that Africa be reserved for the blacks the audience was unable to conceal their delight. They screamed approval, hitting the air with clenched fist salutes.

Finally, a cheeky lad who they thought was about to thank their visitors mounted the rostrum and explained: "I come from a part of one of our great cities now overrun by those of other races. I have become an alien in my in land. Britain for the British."

A shocked silence descended on the conference as each delegate looked askance at his or her neighbour. Then suddenly the hall rose to its feet: "Racist, kill, kill, kill!!!!"

The Government is my shepherd, I shall not work.
It maketh me lie down on the job and pays me not to work.
It leads me beside still factories,
And it restores my benefits.
Ye, though I walk through the shadow of deceased productivity,
I will fear no recriminations.
It’s compensation culture protect me,
And its red tape binds my employers.
In the presence of my providers,

It annointeth my hands with minimum wages,
And my bank balance runneth over for minimum effort,
Surely higher purchase, and higher taxes
Shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I shall dwell in my government’s womb forever. Amen!

A policeman in Oldham watched as a car, filled with Pakistanis, careered down the road, its occupants screaming obscenities as they hurled debris from the vehicle. Witnesses were shocked as the car ploughed into an elderly couple crossing the road. The elderly lady was projected across the car’s bonnet and through the windscreen.

She has been charged with damage to property with a possible racist intent. Her husband who was hurled down the road by the impact and swore in anger has been charged with making inflammatory racist remarks and with attempting to make good his escape.

The young idealist captivated by a Jehovah’s Witness type of rainbow world in which all the races live amicably together asked a brain surgeon how he might sooner reach political nirvana. "It’s all quite straight forward," the eminent consultant replied. "We simply give you anaesthetic and remove half of your brain."

The youth decided to go ahead with the operation but on recovery was approached by the surgeon who explained that there had been a mistake, sixty-percent of the lad’s brain had been removed in error.

Sympathetically the medico suggested that it would however qualify him to join the Labour Party.

In Germany the gaols are filled with anti-Zionists suspected of scrawling ‘Jews Out!’ on walls. They have recently been joined by young Fritz Weber who took out his paint spray can and painted: 'Jews In.’ Unfortunately the young German had placed his handiwork on a gasometer.

Q. Could Tony Blair and his cronies be described as politicians or perhaps social scientists?

A. Obviously politicians. If they were any kind of scientist they would have first experimented on rats and mice rather than people.

Q. What is the difference between misfortune and catastrophe?

A. If the goat falls into the river it’s a misfortune but hardly a catastrophe. But if a plane carrying the government cabinet crashes and the passengers are all killed it is a catastrophe but hardly a misfortune.

The group of visitors touring Bush House, the British Broadcasting Company’s centre, were quite taken by the technology required to broadcast around the world twenty-four hours a day.

As they were ushered into one of the studios they watched in respectful silence as a broadcaster sitting at panoply of equipment read from a sheet placed in front of him. As soon as he had finished the group’s guide showed them the all essential microphone.

"This device." She explained, "enables us to speak to the whole world."

"The whole world?" exclaimed a pensioner. "You really mean that by speaking into it I could talk to the whole wide world?"

"Huh Huh! You bet you can." The guide beamed.

"Can I say something, please?"

"Oh that’s not allowed." The guide exclaimed. "Only people who are on-message can speak into there."

"I didn’t want to say very much." Said the pensioner sadly. "Just one little word."

The guide paused before relenting. "Okay then, but just one little word, like you promised."

The pensioner leaned over and pressing the small red button screamed: "HELP!!!!!"

Heard about the guy who was arrested for running around the House of Commons screaming, "This ****ing government is stark raving mad.?"

He was arrested and fined for being drunk and disorderly then given five years for revealing a state secret.

Here in England we have a different kind of television. Over here it watches us. Think about it, brother!

The news that in Bristol and elsewhere policemen are posing as diners so that they can eavesdrop and arrest fellow guests making ‘racist’ remarks has led to a joke doing the rounds in that city. Overheard in an Indian restaurant:

Diner. "Waiter, this scallop is very hard."

Waiter. "That is not a scallop, sir. It is a microphone."

TOM. "How do you stop one of Tony Blair’s cronies from drowning?"

BILL. "I don’t know!"

TOM. "That’s good!"

Tony Blair’s England is a place where the less you have to eat the more you have to swallow.

Two gays in a rowing boat:

1^st Queer. "What’s thath boath over there with all those lovely people in it?"

2^nd Queer. "That’s a ferry boat, dear."

1^st Queer. "Hmmmm, I knew we were strong but I didn’t know we had our own navy."

Then there was the Jamaican who placed some odour eaters in his shoes. They ate him.

With political correctness at its height all political opinion needs satire to camouflage it as humour. Hence when two comedians went on stage in Oldham the sketch involved the decoration of their new apartment.

After going through their slapstick routine the clowns produced two pictures, one of Tony Blair and the other of Nelson Mandela. In thoughtful pose one said to the other. "I can’t make up my mind what to do with these twoi Hang them or put them up against the wall."

Both comedians have had their Equity memberships removed.

Tony Blair (pre-election of course) was visiting a school and addressing a classroom of students he gave a long dialogue on the importance of the state and its leadership in all of their lives. At the end of the event the beaming headmaster took centre stage and said: "That was most inspiring, Prime Minister." Turning to the students he asked: "Who now do you regard as your mother?"

"The Mother of all Parliaments." They exclaimed.

"And your father?"

"Why, the Prime Minister of course, headmaster."

"Very good," the head smiled. "Now, what would you all like to be when you grow up?"

"An orphan." came a little voice from the back.

A suggestion has been put forward to place Tony Blair’s portrait on postage stamps in place of the more traditional Queen profile. The idea however had to be shelved when after a pilot experiment it was discovered that people were spitting on the wrong side.

Several hundred Pakistanis were drawn to an old mill in a Lancashire town where they heard someone, obviously a racist, had hauled up a union flag. Sure enough they could see up on the roof the hated flag of Britain and a white guy who called down: "I can take any of you on."

Grinning, one of the Asians separated himself from the melee and disappeared inside the mill. Minutes later he re-emerged with blood streaming from a head wound and again the taunting voice came from above.

Enraged a small group of Pakistanis detached themselves, entered the mill and like their counterpart spilled out again covered in blood. Up above, the same taunts. "I can take any of you on."

Beside themselves with anger about fifty rushed the doors and ascended the mill stairs. But they too were bloodily repulsed. This caused a surge in the mob until one of the bloodied combatants screamed. "Don’t go, it’s a trap. There’s two of them."

Two coloureds were strolling through a Leeds suburb when they noticed a sign in the window advertising a lotion ‘Guaranteed to Give Niggers White Skins.’ The cost a mere £10.00.

One of the coloureds had £10.01 while his friend had just £9.99p so the richer of the two said: "I’ll go in first. If it works I will give you the penny that you need."

He disappeared inside the shop and when he reappeared after a twenty-minute absence his friend was impressed. Despite his features he certainly resembled a white man in outward appearance.

"Hey, man." His friend screamed with joy as he danced up and down on the pavement. "Da’s really great. Give me that penny so I can be a white man too."

"Shove off, nigger." his former friend replied.

Then there was the Daily Mirror reader who having successfully entered a competition learned that she had won a week’s holiday in the tropical paradise of Oldham. The runner up won two weeks in the same location.

Why is it sometimes said that politicians have gone bananas?

Because they go into parliament green, they quickly turn yellow and they all die rotten.

On the wall in Oldham appeared the comforting slogan: "Racial Equality. English-Asian Friendship Week.’

Underneath someone had scrawled: "Okay! But NOT one minute longer."

Buckingham Palace have now revealed the contents of a letter sent to them by President for Life Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe before his state visit during which he was to attend the Palace’s garden party.

Dear Queen,

As you probably gleanin’ from da Daily Mirror and other press, de court circulars etc. de world tremblin’ at da thought of Admiral of the Fleet, Robert Mugabe comin’ to Buck House for de booze up. I’ll be der. Queen! Jez one problem.

De epuletes keep falling off da new zoot an’ since I got rid of da Asian trash, ain’t no more tailors left in der whole entire damned country. Naturley it ain’t fittin’ for der celebrated head of the armed forces to turn up for the shindig looking like a lead from HMS Pinafore, and we damned if we gonna arrive in a coconut vest clutchin’ da lion’s tail fly swat. I ain’t making a fool of meself for no one.

By da way, I’ll probably be pestered by the ladies to tread on the light fantastic, so naturley I be expecting plenty of ballroom and also room for da medals to swing round in. A couple feet should do it.

Anyway, providin’ it pass da MOT, will come down the Mall with you in it so I want it in top hole nick. For payment please debit enclosed American Express Card. It belonged to a grateful journalist saved from execution by yours truly in an amazin’ show of mercy and restraint.
Me a tyrant? Yours. President for Life Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe.

Oldham police have commissioned a new type of riot control vehicle. It has fourteen reverse gears and one forward gear in case Asians attack them from the front.

The Air in Oldham – or was it Bradford, perhaps Leeds, never mind. The air was filled with flying bricks and petrol bombs as Asian rioters repeatedly charged the police lines. Finally, one young constable’s nerve broke and dropping his riot shield he fled in terror down the street before cowering in a shop doorway.

Shortly there happened along a supervisory officer who catching sight of the frightened policeman said sternly: "Come on, lad. Pull yourself together and don’t be so frightened."

"Sorry, sergeant." The constable said shamefacedly. "I don’t know what came over me."

"I’m not your sergeant, I am an inspector." The supervisory officer exclaimed angrily.

"Bloody hell!" replied the constable. "I didn’t realise I had run that far back."

"Thoroughly enjoyed it, it’s a real riot. Would recommend it to anyone." - David Wilmot, Chief Constable Manchester Police

"Never laughed so much in my life, well not since my former boss took the pensioners for their annual ride." - Piers Morgan, Editor, Daily Mirror.

"…. Was so much in tucks my bloody ‘elmet fell off." - Commissioner of Metropolitan Police

"Gott in Himmel! They are jokes? I thought it was a scholarly analysis of events in England today. Auf Wiedersehn pets!" – Martin Bormann, Bolivia

"Couldn’t resist a nigger – er, I mean a snigger." – Greg Dyke, Director-General BBC

"I suppose you could call it black comedy – sorry." - Chairman, Commission for Racial Equality