There is a passage in the Bible that used to puzzle me. It says that God once attempted to Kill Moses. (1). This, of course, means that God tried to kill him, and failed! Imagine the Ruler of the Universe trying to kill someone, and not being able to do the job. Of course, Moses may have been a super-kike, but he was still only mortal, nonetheless. We think of God as being immensely powerful, but maybe he isn’t as strong as we think. Elsewhere in the Bible it says that: "And the Lord was with the men of Judah. They took possesion of the hill country, but they were unable to drive the people from the plains, because they had iron chariots." (Judges 1:19).

Still, he is no doubt plenty strong. He must be if he is able to lug around a planet under each arm, and indeed hurl whole galaxies into space with the flick of his wrist. So why couldn’t he kill Moses? Was he getting too old, or was he sick and run down at the time, or what? The Bible doesn’t say. But I had always been intrigued by the battle itself. A "Dock A Brawl" must have taken place, it appeared. And if God attacked Moses, the latter must have fought back with a vengeance, and apparently did a good job of defending himself, causing the attack to fail.

But how to find out? The only way, I assumed, was to get a vision, or a revelation, from heaven. So for three days and nights, pausing only for prayer and sleep, I concentrated on getting this revelation, and heaven finally rewarded me.

Here is what happened: Moses had been whooping it up with some of his pals at Hymie’s Bar & Lodge (referred to as the "lodge" in the Bible). God arrived and crawled up on the edge of the roof, by the front door. When Moses made his exit an hour or so later, God made a surprise attack by jumping off on to his back. Moses was knocked heavily to the ground, but was up on his feet again instantly.

They squared off. Moses was taller, but God was better muscled. He was a little bit bowlegged, probably due to many years of horseback riding. Yes, God does ride horses. (2). Moses knew he had to avoid God’s fearful grip to have any chance of winning, so he could not let it turn into a wrestling match. He would have to box him. And this is exactly what he did. God bored in, trying to grab Moses, but the latter would jab, step away, and throw an occasional right. All the Jewish bar-flies poured out of the inn and gathered around, cheering them on. Round and round the opponents went, God vainly stumbling forward, while Moses kept him off balance, rocking him with punches.

In the end, it was a case of "youth will prevail." God began to tire. Yes, God also gets tired. (3) A right cross from his younger opponent knocked him to his knees. He wearily struggled to his feet. Moses quickly knocked him down again, and this time he stayed, until they poured water on him to bring him around.

In the end, when Moses’s hand was raised in victory, God’s face was unrecognizable. It was the worst beating a deity had ever taken.

On another occasion, Moses defeated God in a verbal argument, causing him to relent. (4) But who would have thought he could beat him in a physical test?

It was after the fight had taken place that the famous incident occurred where the Most High showed Moses his "back parts." (5) Although a lot of time had elapsed since the fight, God’s face had still not healed. (Wounds heal very slowly in the intense cold of outer space, where the Big Jew hangs out most of the time.) God was ashamed of all his cuts and bruises, and did not want Moses to see them.

Of course, it can be argued that Moses was lucky to have whipped old Yahweh, and I agree with this. And if God had kept on trying to kill him by hook or crook, no doubt he would have succeeded, sooner or later. But God never tried it again. Perhaps he showed campassion, who knows? He had compassion of things before. (6)  he once got tired of showing compassion.)

At any rate, dear reader, if you, too, have wondered why the Lord Of All Creation tried and failed to kill Moses, I am happy to share my heavenly revelation with you.

Found in Liberty Bell, Vol. 17 - No 9, May 1990)

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(1) »At a lodging place on the way, the LORD met Moses and was about to kill him.« (Exodus 4:24)

(2) "Did you rage against the sea, LORD, when you rode with your horses and your victorious chariots?" (Habakkuk 3:8)

(3) "Your New Moon festivals and your appointed feasts my soul hates. They have become a burden to me; I am weary of bearing them." (Isaiah 1:14)

(4) »"I have seen these people," the LORD said to Moses, "and they are a stiff-necked people. Now leave me alone so that my anger burn against them and that I may destroy them. Then I will make you into a great nation." But Moses sought the favour of the LORD his God. "O LORD," he said, "why should your anger burn against your people, whom you brought out of Egypt with great power and a mighty hand? Why should the Egyptians say, ‘It was with evil intent that he brought them out, to kill them in the mountains and to wipe them off the face of the earth’? Turn from your fierce anger; relent and do not bring disaster on your people. Remember your servants Abraham, Isaac and Israel, to whom you swore own self: ‘I will make your descendants numerous as the stars in the sky and I will give your descendants all this land I promised them, and it will be their inheritance for ever’. Then the LORD relented and did not bring on his people the disaster he had threatened." (Exodus 32:9-14)

(5) "Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back, but my face must not be seen." (Exodus 33:23)

(6) "You have rejected me", declares the LORD. "You keep on backsliding. So I will lay hands on you and destroy you. I can no longer show compassion." (Jeremiah 15:6)